Bad Camo

 

“That’s your defense?” the snake asked the slug, incredulously.

“Yes. What’s wrong with it?” the slug asked, a little offended. “I tuck my antennae and I look like a stick so nothing will eat me. See?” and suddenly, the antennae were gone, and there was just a blackish twig on the path.

“What’s your defense?” the slug queried.

The water snake proudly said, “I look like a venomous cottonmouth to scare predators!”

Neither one saw the human approach until it had stepped on the slug (still in stick-mode).

“See? Stupid defense” the snake thought, just before the shovel decapitated it.

Flood

 

The couple was arguing about the flood.                   

It wouldn’t have been so urgent, but their house was at the bottom of the hill.

They blamed each other for the flood, since lately, everything had turned them against each other. Neither one could remember how long it had been since they’d loved each other, and they blamed each other for that, too.

Eventually, the water filled the house, and the yelling turned to gurgling, and then stopped.

A small dog wearing mis-matched boots sat sadly on the porch roof, watching a tiny spider bob up and down from a tree branch.

Persecution

 

The man with a trunk full of bibles was sitting on a folding chair under a tree.

Sighing, the festival chairman approached him. “Sir, you can’t be here.”

Bible man was immediately belligerent. “Why? Because I’m giving away the Word of the One True God?”

“No, sir. It’s because our Pagan Festival has rented the entire park for the weekend. You’ll have to move your car and bibles out beyond the park gate.”

“Or what?” Bible man asked, angrily.

“Well, you could always pay for your space, or I’ll have to call the police.”

Headline: CHRISTIAN PERSECUTION AT PAGAN FESTIVAL.

Terrible Cook

 

“I’ve been trying to learn how to cook, but it’s not going well” she said as she got out the frying pan.

“I’m terrible at it, no matter how hard I try” she added, as the ground beef sizzled and browned.

Absentmindedly, still frowning, she added salt, pepper, spices (all by feel, not measuring a thing), onions and peppers, then the sauce.

“It’s really sad that nothing I make is even edible” she mused, tossing the cooked pasta in olive oil.

Putting the sauce, pasta, and grated parmesan on the table, she said, “Well. There it is.”

It was delicious.

Still Human

 

He’d never appeared in her dreams, and then two nights in a row, there he was.

But not how she knew he was now- whole and healthy and loving.

He was angry and paranoid, like he’d been that last year.

During these two days, the LED candles that lit up in ones and twos to show her he was here remained dark.

That second morning, she couldn’t stand it- the thought that dementia could affect him, even now.

Outside, she looked down and there was one perfect wisteria bloom.

She picked it up and went inside. Every candle was lit.

True Story

 

Her family and friends told her she needed to move somewhere safer, but she’d always felt safe here on her little farm.

Sure, she was not the most popular old lady on the block, due to her political leanings and whatnot, but her neighbors would still help her if she needed it.

It happened as she was working by the barn, in view of the road.

The pickup roared past, and a young man yelled at her, “Nigger-lover!”

She stopped dead in her tracks, blood running cold, realizing that even though it was 2026, she still lived in Klan Country.

Zen

 

She sighed, trying to hold on to her composure, but it was now out of reach.

“Hey! Knock it off! I’m trying to be all zen and shit!”

Her evening yoga, tai chi and meditation took less than an hour. Was that too much to ask of a house where she was the only living human? She didn’t think so, but apparently it was.

The dogs, who spent 90% of the day sleeping, chose that time to chase each other, growling, yapping and knocking stuff over.

When she hollered, they stopped, and she heard her late husband’s voice clearly.

“Sorry.”