April Fools

 

He wrinkled his nose and gagged with the first drink of coffee. It was salty as shit.

When he washed his coffee mug, the top came off the dish detergent and a river of blue soap flowed into his mug.

His slippers were missing, and there was a pair of pink bunny slippers in their place, so that’s what he wore to the mailbox.

Grabbing the doorknob to get back into the house, it was covered in olive oil and hella hard to open.

April Fools Day would be a real pain in the ass if he didn’t live alone.

Party Girl

 

She was fifteen years old when she first went to Planned Parenthood.

Relieved to the point of tears that her period had come on time, it was time to take matters into her own hands and get on the Pill, because she’d be damned if she ever be put in that position again.

Her mom, like so many other adults, would assume she wanted to go on the Pill because she was just another bad teenage girl who wanted to have sex.

But she now knew that she had very little control over when she had sex, or with who.

 

Mug

 

“Huh” she thought, “I didn’t notice this chip before.”

There was an impressive collection of mugs on her wall, and she used a different one every day.

The chip was small and on the handle of the mug, but as she rinsed it, it got bigger.

Perplexed, she set the mug on the counter, watching it with a definite side-eye.

With the tiniest crackling, the handle quietly crumbled onto the countertop.

She was letting out her breath when the entire mug exploded, and there was barely time for her to drop to the floor before every other mug followed suit.

Normal

 

The monkeys grabbed the laundry off the line as soon as she could hang it up, and she cursed, watching them disappear back into the trees.

The Official Report said that no monkeys lived here, but her missing wardrobe begged to differ.

Everyone hoped the pterodactyls would take care of the monkeys (although Official Report also denied the existence of pterodactyls).

Life had been so crazy since that last meteor strike, it was hard to determine what was Abnormal…or the New Normal.

She heard squeaking from inside the house, so she went to feed the baby sea turtles their bottles.  

Bad Camo

 

“That’s your defense?” the snake asked the slug, incredulously.

“Yes. What’s wrong with it?” the slug asked, a little offended. “I tuck my antennae and I look like a stick so nothing will eat me. See?” and suddenly, the antennae were gone, and there was just a blackish twig on the path.

“What’s your defense?” the slug queried.

The water snake proudly said, “I look like a venomous cottonmouth to scare predators!”

Neither one saw the human approach until it had stepped on the slug (still in stick-mode).

“See? Stupid defense” the snake thought, just before the shovel decapitated it.

Flood

 

The couple was arguing about the flood.                   

It wouldn’t have been so urgent, but their house was at the bottom of the hill.

They blamed each other for the flood, since lately, everything had turned them against each other. Neither one could remember how long it had been since they’d loved each other, and they blamed each other for that, too.

Eventually, the water filled the house, and the yelling turned to gurgling, and then stopped.

A small dog wearing mis-matched boots sat sadly on the porch roof, watching a tiny spider bob up and down from a tree branch.

Persecution

 

The man with a trunk full of bibles was sitting on a folding chair under a tree.

Sighing, the festival chairman approached him. “Sir, you can’t be here.”

Bible man was immediately belligerent. “Why? Because I’m giving away the Word of the One True God?”

“No, sir. It’s because our Pagan Festival has rented the entire park for the weekend. You’ll have to move your car and bibles out beyond the park gate.”

“Or what?” Bible man asked, angrily.

“Well, you could always pay for your space, or I’ll have to call the police.”

Headline: CHRISTIAN PERSECUTION AT PAGAN FESTIVAL.