I was talking to a male friend the other day and he told me one of his other friends was getting married this weekend, since his wife died about a year ago. Then he asked me if I was "man hunting" yet.
I asked, "What the hell for?"
He said, "Well...for a husband. Aren't you lonely?".
I mean, the short answer is, "No."
When I met Ward, I knew he would be my last husband. I've had three total, so I can be pretty damn sure about that. Really damn sure.
And I've never been the kind of person who needed to be surrounded by other people, even as a child. I'm perfectly fine being by myself. I'm not scared or lonely or bored. I got stuff to learn and shit to do.
Through no fault of his own, the entire time Ward and I were together, I was the primary breadwinner, so I know I can support myself and I'm not adverse to working.
Through mostly dumb luck, the little Air BnB's have become a reasonably steady source of income.
So, I don't "need a man" to help me pay bills or "take care of me".
Here's the thing. I've been taking care of other people since I was 21 years old, and I'm tired. The thought of getting involved with someone and then having the caregiver reins wrapped around my neck again gives me hives. I just. Can't. Do it.
There's also the little detail that I'm still married to Ward, and always will be.
Listen, I'm impatient and twitchy and unreasonable, and in my worst moments, he would calmly look at me, smile, and say, "I love you so much" and mean the hell out of it.
That man.
He would tell me all the time that when he died, I should find a nice rich guy and marry him so I wouldn't have to work ever again, and I'd tell him that he was like Shar.
Shar was my last horse. She was beautiful and perfect and never hurt a fly even accidentally and never gave me a minute of trouble in the 16 years I had her. I bought her when she was 12 and she died at just shy of 28, and even then, she went from "a little bit off her feed" to "ruptured splenic tumor" in less than a week and she's buried right here on the farm.
I will never have another horse, because none will ever be able to match her in my eyes and heart.
Same with Ward.
Ward was not a perfect person, and obviously I am not a perfect person, but we were imperfectly perfect for each other, and I know he's still here, watching over me and just hanging out. I am as sure of that as I've ever been sure of anything in my life.
And he's absolutely the only company I need.
We're fine.
